Regardless of diverse backgrounds, races, and sexual orientations, there seems to be a consistent desire among men for connection, particularly with their male counterparts.
Male clients often find themselves with smaller social circles and support networks compared to their female counterparts, leaving them with fewer sources of solace during challenging times. Even among those who are highly social, a lingering sense of loneliness persists, particularly pronounced for those who are single.
The paradox emerges in our increasingly connected digital world, where, despite the apparent interconnectivity, loneliness has grown statistically over time. Reports indicate a decline in close friendships, posing a significant impact on our health. Beyond the evident toll on mental well-being, studies reveal that people experiencing loneliness face a higher risk of conditions such as dementia, heart failure, stroke, and premature death.
Especially in Western cultures, masculinity has become synonymous with an unrealistic sense of individualism. Men are conditioned to believe they can handle everything independently, embodying the image of lone wolves navigating life through sheer grit. In their interactions with other men, they often maintain a distance, resorting to stereotypical conversations centered around sports, hunting, or beer. In more serious situations, discussions default to work —the dominating aspect of their world and self-worth.
Especially in Western cultures, masculinity has become synonymous with an unrealistic sense of individualism. Men are conditioned to believe they can handle everything independently, embodying the image of lone wolves navigating life through sheer grit. In their interactions with other men, they often maintain a distance, resorting to stereotypical conversations centred around sports, hunting, or beer. In more serious situations, discussions default to work — the dominating aspect of their world and self-worth.
Beneath this external facade, there exists a profound sense of inhibition, a lack of permission to be authentic and reveal the intricate inner world they inhabit. This restraint becomes so internalised that men may completely suppress their emotions, concealing them not only from others but also from themselves.
The inhibition of emotional expression can extend to an avoidance of such expressions in others. Witnessing the emotions of fellow men becomes uncomfortable, prompting self-distancing as a form of self-protection. However, this coping mechanism only perpetuates the cycle of isolation and loneliness.
Vulnerability serves as the common thread in all of these experiences, forming the foundation of the unseen barrier that often exists between men. The term "vulnerability" originates from the Latin vulnerare, meaning "to wound". It implies the potential to be emotionally wounded, exposing aspects of ourselves that can be susceptible to harm. This exposure can be discomforting, even agonising, particularly given the deeply ingrained notion that many men must avoid appearing weak. However, embracing vulnerability is the sole path for men to authentically connect with others and feel truly understood.
The challenge extends beyond internal struggles, as our culture can exhibit hostility towards men expressing their emotions, especially if those emotions are perceived as "soft" or "weak". Despite the encouragement for men to explore their emotional selves, the reception to feelings such as fear, anxiety, or grief can be, at best, indifferent.
This places men in a challenging position: they yearn for connection, love, and friendship, and to attain that connection and genuine understanding, they must open themselves up to vulnerability. Yet, vulnerability carries emotional risks, and many men have faced repercussions for taking that risk.
Actions for Men to Take
The imperative for connection and a sense of belonging is indisputable. Navigating through the challenges of fear and self-doubt is essential. While vulnerability may evoke discomfort, it is also synonymous with honesty, and revealing their genuine selves is the sole path to establishing a profound connection with others.
Trust serves as the primary guiding principle for men. In broad terms, trust is that intangible sense of camaraderie that arises when someone demonstrates care and can respect and acknowledge our vulnerability. As aptly expressed by author Brené Brown, they have genuinely earned the privilege to hear your story.
1. Recognise those people who have already gained a measure of trust
Undoubtedly, there are people who have already earned a degree of trust from you. This list may not be extensive, and that's perfectly acceptable. Meaningful, trusting connections are not forged with just anyone.
Several qualities to seek in those deserving of trust (and qualities worth cultivating to gain the trust of others):
Honesty without judgment
Patience
Genuine listening skills
Consistency and reliability
2. Actively create opportunities for connection
Purposefully allocate time to engage with the people you've pinpointed. Demonstrate your commitment to the relationship by reaching out with a phone call or inviting them for coffee.
3. Gradually embrace emotional vulnerability
While interacting with these people, dare to share more of your true self than usual. Don't be overly concerned about articulating it perfectly. The crucial aspect is allowing this person a glimpse beneath the surface of who you are. If emotions arise, take a breath and allow them to be acknowledged.
4. Gradually reveal yourself step by step
Trust is cultivated through a measured process of self-disclosure, and sharing more doesn't always expedite the building of trust. Begin slowly, taking one step at a time, placing one metaphorical brick atop another. Oversharing or engaging in "trauma-dumping" doesn't constitute vulnerability and doesn't foster genuine connection. When opening up, consider whether you're engaged in a conversation with this person or simply talking at them. The exchange is meant to be a dialogue with mutual give and take.
5. Be fully present and reciprocate trust
Create room for the other person to unveil themselves as well. Listen with the intent to understand, not merely to respond. Display open body language — facing them, arms uncrossed, maintaining good eye contact, and breathing steadily. If they reveal something painful or challenging, navigate through it and sit with them in discomfort. Holding that space for them is a potent method for building trust and fostering a connection.
6. Navigate through the vulnerability aftermath with intentional breathing
Occasionally, after taking emotional risks, we may experience a sense of, "yikes, perhaps I divulged too much." This is a typical sensation following the disclosure of something vulnerable, akin to the ache in our muscles after a robust workout. Take measured breaths and allow the sensation to subside. Embracing vulnerability requires courage, and you will emerge stronger for it.
Sally Edwards
Fully qualified counsellor, psychotherapist and trauma therapist based in Orpington, Kent
Face-to-face in person or online counselling
My specialism is on the impacts of trauma, from events such as childhood neglect, childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape, domestic and emotional abuse, accidents, violence, serious illness, and financial trauma (redundancy and bankruptcy). But I work with clients with many other life challenges and emotional difficulties, such as depression, anxiety, OCD behaviours, PTSD, self-harm, and eating issues.
I am easily accessible from local areas near me including Orpington, Bromley, Chislehurst, Petts Wood, Sidcup, Beckenham, Sevenoaks, Tonbridge, Knockholt, Biggin Hill, West Wickham, Chelsfield, Swanley and Bexley